Some dude's notes

NOW I’M FREEEE!!

Well, at least for a week, yes. Because right after the week I had left my first job, I began having that “urge of duty” that I mentioned earlier.

Which is why I began doing job interviews and pretty much landed the first one for a remote company. I was electrified, actually, because I would finally be moving from one stack to a completely different one. I would be learning a bunch of new things like React, TypeScript, GraphQL, testing stuff & more. And well, the good news is that my salary had literally doubled, which was clearly a motivational boost at the time.

Rather surprisingly, this time I felt excited for much longer than one week. I had the opportunity to work with people from different countries and use English to communicate. I remember that the first couple of months I would spend way more than 8 hours per day at work. That’s because I wanted to level up my skills ASAP and become more productive at the job.

Overall, this time around, I knew that I was surrounded by talented, open, and friendly coworkers. In other words, amazing people who inspired me to grow even more.

At that point you might think, well that’s it, right? You just had to change company and you’re set.

Not so fast, boy. After 2-3 months of working there, I began suffering from another burnout, which, as usual, I entirely ignored and told myself “don’t be a pussy, just get things done”. This went on and on for the following months, until, at one point, I realised that I was waking up with a strong feeling of nausea every single day. That had lasted for over a month, coupled with other very frustrating gastrointestinal issues.

This time around I was almost angry with myself, I kept asking myself just what’s wrong with me, why can’t I simply shut up and get work done? Why do I always have to feel so much stress and pressure?

Well, although I still don’t have a definite answer. I can say that my physical symptoms disappeared immediately right after I stopped working. That makes me think that perhaps working for a company is not my way to go. I’m the kind of person who gets frustrated when I don’t have the control over my work. And this time around, I’ve been more cautious and careful. I noted down specifically when and why I felt frustrated during my work.

It turns out that what causes the most stress in me is when I’m being told what to do, and that someone higher up in the company hierarchy demands me to bring the results they want. In other words, I came to realise that I’m a control freak. And that my only way to feel at ease is when I’m entirely responsible for a good or bad outcome of my work.

I’m not saying I’m unable to work within a team, in fact, I was praised for being very communicative and helpful in many situations. However, I need to have control, to have responsibilities. Working as a developer for a company doesn’t give you that. It’s actually pretty much the opposite. As a dev, you’re an engineer who takes some tasks and completes them, following the best practices whenever possible.

So what’s next? Hell, I don’t even know yet.

I’m taking a couple of days, weeks or months of NO work, to recharge my batteries. Taking a look back, I’ve been a full-time dev for over 5 years, without ever taking breaks longer than 1-week.

What I believe is more likely to happen in the future is that I’ll hustle to get a couple of clients as a freelance dev. I’m aware that freelancing is, by nature, more stressful. However I’ve realised that the idea of being my own boss is what inspires me the most. I can use and learn the technologies I want. I decide to work non-stop during a boring weekend, and spend my Monday chilling outside. I have the freedom to work with one client instead of the other.

I’m writing all these words in hope that it can be useful to someone, somewhere, some day. If you’re experiencing anything like this, be aware that you’re not alone. You just need to work on your own perception of self. Be more aware of who you are, and what you really want in life. I’ve made my “discovery” just now, you may say it’s kind of late. But I think that’s just part of how life works. It’s thanks to these 5 “wasted” years that I now feel motivated to move to a new chapter of my life.

My experience as a developer (mostly web and mobile dev) has been somewhat unusual. I read online that developers have a tendency to switch jobs quickly, and usually that brings the advantages of a better pay, as well as new experiences and things to learn.

However, that was not my case. I began working at the age of 18, pretty much a week or two after finishing high school. That’s when I landed my first developer job at a full-time basis. I remember I didn’t even know about git, or linux, or code editors. I was your average apprentice with somewhat of a knack for front-end and performance optimisations. This is the same company I would then work for 5 consecutive years.

You may be thinking, well, perhaps you’d stay for so long simply because I enjoyed it, I liked the environment and the job. But, that’s quite far from the truth. I admit that I did feel some sort of excitement during the first week. I think that applies to most new experiences, right? You see new things, new information, it is exciting for most people.

I remember the first couple of days, I was so excited about my job that even when returning “home” (well, back then I was moving from one hotel room to the other, while struggling to settle down), I had enough energies and drive to learn more about the technologies I was using, to improve both myself and the company. For one moment, I was happy.

However that faded out quickly, and by quickly I mean literally after the first week.

By that time, I began looking at programming as a daunting task. It was no longer an adventurous, interesting and creative experience. Suddenly, I began to dislike what I was doing. Instead of making me feel inspired and creative, it left me with frustration and disappointment. Now, almost 6 years after, I look back at these words and I sincerely wonder: Why didn’t you leave back then, dude?

The answer is not easy, it’s intricate. But anyway, I’ll try to break it down in order:

1. I needed money. At the time my monthly salary was the only thing keeping me and my family afloat. It provided us enough to pay a rent and buy necessities. It’s still like that, but clearly with less urgency.
2. I wanted to learn. Although this wasn’t the best way to learn new things (the company was pretty retro), I still managed to learn some of the fundamentals of coding. Plus it taught me important lessons such as company dynamics and how not to treat clients.
3. I kind of had to. Now this is the bizarre one. It’s as though, by nature, I have a strong sense of duty. So, even after a couple of years, and thus having summed up some savings, I still felt the urge of having to work. I’m uninterested? No problem, just work. I’m stressed out? Bruh, that’s just an excuse, keep hustling! I’m feeling sick because I’m having a burnout? Don’t be weak, and get back to work!

That concludes my 5 years experience with the first company I’ve ever worked for. Oh, and did I mention? I was severely underpaid, like, ridiculously.

You clearly don’t want to work for a company once you realise you are being underpaid. For me, it was difficult to realise this. I had no programmer friends, and you know how it goes with coworkers, talking about earnings is taboo & stuff.

For some reason, one day I decided to join some Reddit dev communities, where I finally had my endless question answered. So, if you’re a dev and you’re unsure of whether you’re being underpaid, I beg you to do what I did. Reach out to other devs (possibly in your same country) and ask how much they’re making. Clearly make sure you have a similar skill set and level.

That day my life had changed. I realised I had a very good and valid reason to finally leave that job which would make me tired and exhausted every single day. Right the next day, I told the boss I was going to leave. I remember that his reaction was super weird, as if he took it personally. Also, the coworkers I used to talk to didn’t seem to really care about my departure either anyway.

At that point, although I felt somewhat disappointed, I also felt an incredible amount of relief. I realised I was moving away from a toxic workplace. I was finally free, it was an amazing feeling!

What comes next: Why I’ve left my well-paid job